When Caring Gets Complicated: Personal Lessons

Caring for aging parents is something many of us don’t fully understand until we’re in the thick of it. I’ve been going through it — first with my mom, and now with my in-laws. It has been emotional, overwhelming, and sometimes all-consuming. But it has also given me a clearer perspective, both personally and professionally, on how families can plan ahead for elder care and prepare for the financial, legal and emotional realities of aging.

How It Began

My mom was 85 when she started showing signs of dementia. At first, it was small things — password mix-ups, confusion with bills and anxiety about online accounts. Then came larger issues: financial mistakes, vulnerability to scams and missed payments.

As her condition progressed, our level of involvement grew. Eventually, she moved to Texas to be near my sister, and we updated her legal and financial documents. That move taught us a valuable lesson: Medicare Advantage plans, powers of attorney and healthcare directives don’t always transfer seamlessly across state lines.

Now, my husband and I are walking through similar challenges with his parents. His father is in hospice care while his mother lives alone in independent living. Both situations bring their own complexities and remind me how essential it is to begin making preparations early to support our aging parents.

The mental load of caregiving surprised me the most. Even when you’re not actively caregiving, it’s always in the back of your mind. It affects your schedule, your travel and even your everyday appointments. 

The Hidden Mental Load of Caregiving

I missed haircuts and dentist visits — not because I didn’t want to go, but because I was flying back and forth to Texas. Many of my clients share the same story: trying to care for parents while still working full-time or preparing for their own retirement.

Caregiving isn’t just an act of love. It’s a part-time job — and sometimes, a full-time one.

Protecting Finances While Preserving Independence

One of the hardest parts of elder care is balancing financial protection while preserving a parent’s sense of dignity and independence.

My mom could still use her smartphone and order from Amazon, but she was also vulnerable to scams and duplicate charges. Eventually, we took away her credit card, but we gave her alternatives. My sister carried the card when they went out, so my mom could still make her own purchases. For online orders, we set a $250 limit on her Amazon account.

It gave her autonomy without putting her finances at risk. For many families, finding that middle ground helps parents accept change with dignity.

Start the Conversation Early

It can feel awkward to talk about decline with your parents, or to ask your children to help you plan for your own care as you age. But it’s necessary. Start simply:

 “What would you like to happen if you can’t manage things on your own anymore?”

 “Would it be okay if we paid your bills together, so I know where things are just in case?”

You don’t need all the answers on day one. The goal is to begin planning before a crisis forces your hand.

Learn More: Talking About Estate Planning With Your Senior Parents

Build a Support Team

You don’t have to do this alone. A strong support team makes caring for aging parents more manageable:

• Financial Advisor — to model cash flow, manage taxes and ensure resources last.
• CPA — to track deductible medical expenses and file tax returns correctly.
• Estate Planning Attorney — to prepare wills, powers of attorney, trusts and healthcare directives.

Also, work with your parents’ banks and service providers to become an authorized user or secondary contact on their accounts. Having a power of attorney is important, but having practical access to their accounts can make daily management much smoother.

Essential Legal and Financial Documents for Elder Care

We were lucky that my mom had done a lot of the paperwork ahead of time. But when she moved from Minnesota to Texas, we learned how important it is to revisit these documents.

Through my mom’s journey, here’s what I’ve learned families truly need:

• Durable Power of Attorney (POA) — to manage accounts and change services.
• Healthcare Directive — to designate medical decision-makers and treatment preferences.
• HIPAA Authorization — to give medical providers permission to share health information.
• Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) or Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment (POLST) forms — state-specific documents to clarify your wishes about resuscitation and treatment.

Timing is critical. The earlier these documents are in place, the more options you and your loved ones will have later.

Start Early: Download our Getting Organized Guide

Other Hard-Earned Lessons

• Make Address Changes Promptly: In addition to updating the mailing address when your parent moves, you must provide notice of the address change to Medicare plans, Social Security, financial institutions, tax document preparers and pension payers.
• Track Caregiving Expenses Fairly: Out-of-town siblings may incur travel or lodging costs. Decide together how these costs will be handled.
• Divide Responsibilities: One person might manage finances while another handles day-to-day care and others rotate in to provide support.

Final Thoughts: Start Early, Talk Often

Aging can happen slowly, or it can happen overnight. You don’t always get a warning. Either way, it’s much harder to make decisions in the middle of a crisis.

So, start early. Ask your parents:

• “What should happen if you can’t manage your money anymore?”
• “Who should make healthcare decisions for you if you can’t?”
• “What are your wishes for care if treatment becomes difficult? Would you prefer comfort care, or do you want all available treatments?”
• “Where are your important documents kept?”

If you are the aging parent, talk to your kids. Share your wishes openly and honestly. Don’t assume your children will know what to do — or that they’ll agree — without your guidance.

Learn More: How to Talk to Your Aging Parents About Money

These conversations are not always easy, but they are always acts of love.